Recovering from cheating

Cheating. Those who do it usually keep it a secret. When it comes out, it is generally quite a shock for the partner. Security and trust fall away. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Not surprisingly, because someone who cheats understands very well that discovery can seriously damage the relationship. Often a person feels guilt or shame themselves and does not want to hurt the partner. Cheating is a traumatic experience for many partners. Cross-border contact is one thing, but lying also has a big impact, which undermines the security and trust in the relationship. Moreover, you may become insecure about yourself or start doubting your own attractiveness.

Cheating is of all times, occurs in all walks of life and affects all ages. There has long been a lack of genuine support and this causes frustration and sadness that cannot be properly shared with the partner. This emotional lack makes room for another person to fill this void. The affair is a consequence of a separation in the relationship that has been going on for some time and is used unconsciously to force and break the situation. Cheating is usually used to fill an emotional void.

For a genuinely in love couple, there is no need to cheat, both partners complement each other and have no interest in others. When infatuation transforms into love, the relationship remains closed and others cannot break contact. When infatuation does not transform, the lack of real contact grows and this gives room for outsiders.

Yet cheating does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship. Put your shoulders to the wheel together and you can turn the wound into a scar. You can learn from the past and come out of it better together.

Confronting cheating is sad and painful because it exposes an emotional lack in the relationship. The emotional lack can no longer be denied and must be accepted through discovery.

The cheating partner has exposed the void in the relationship, thus breaking the status quo. Something had to happen, because the situation how it was going before was no longer sustainable in this way. A confrontation to discuss the emotional emptiness has always been evaded and avoided by both partners. The anger that follows is often the result of frustration that threatens to destroy any hope of deepening the relationship.

When cheating happens from an emotional lack then situations have occurred in the relationship that have caused separation. Both partners could not resolve the event together and have withdrawn with their own pain and frustration. Lack of finding support with each other is the cause of this.

Self-sabotage is a learned reaction from childhood that undermines the relationship

How support is experienced depends on how childhood went, this is where the foundations of giving and receiving support are laid. These learned structures recur later in adult relationships. It is therefore useful to examine one's own childhood whether there is actual support-giving and receiving or whether there is a form of learned self-sabotage that undermines the relationship.

Giving support is different from solving the problem situation. It means offering a listening ear without judgement and being there for the other person within their own boundaries. Eliminating yourself is selling yourself short and is different from giving support. Emphasising yourself may seem very attractive, but in the end you are selling yourself short and that always has an impact on your partner.

Real support means being there for yourself and the other person

An open attitude and a broad view of the situation are important. Receiving support means that you see, hear and experience that the other person has an open attitude. That someone else solves the situation is different from receiving support; you sell yourself short when someone else solves the situation for you. It may be very nice to have someone else solve problems for you, but subconsciously it makes you feel that you are not capable of solving your own problems.

Suggestions, advice, ideas can be helpful as long as they are not forced upon you or a way of dismissing the situation.

Once the shock of cheating has been processed enough, you can get down to talking about what happened before then. Or what didn't happen that really should have. This is about understanding your own past history so that you can each and together learn from it. Moving forward requires looking back. What was your relationship like before the cheating? What wasn't working well and may have contributed to the affair? Both partners need to take responsibility in this. So both the adulterer and the partner it happened to.

In addition, it is important to start building trust in your new relationship where you are in tune with each other and talk openly and honestly about your relationship, feelings and needs.

• What do you need in your relationship?

• What do you find annoying?

• What do you miss?

• What is going well?

If you can do that, your relationship can come out better.

If talking about this doesn't go well, for instance because it is too scary to express yourself or there is too critical or defensive a reaction, it makes sense to go into couples therapy. This can be done together, each for themselves or just one of the partners. Any personal growth makes sense to improve contact in a relationship.